I love having Laurelyn around. She is so easy. The other kids are pretty easy too (and Enoch will be a piece of cake again, I'm sure, once we have all the doors back on [I'll have to fill everyone in on the remodeling stuff later]). I am happy. Robert is incredible. I have more than I deserve, really.
But. . . (don't tell me you didn't expect a "but" after that) there is this emotional squeezing, straining, inside of my chest. Three kids seems like the end all be all. I am now a bonifide mother--just like my own mom (not counting step-kids). There's so much that I'm never ever going to do. I was content to just dream about it all before. Stuff like Hawaiian vacations weren't supposed to be real. They were more fun to just think about, and maybe someday spend what you could spare out of your life savings to purchase, and you'd have one amazing fulfilled dream to end your life with. I went to Hawaii with my in-laws. It was beyond amazing. My in-laws are incredibly generous people. I didn't deserve it. My Dad deserved it. I hope someday I can send him.
I remember in 5th grade I had a textbook with a picture of Stonehenge on it. I imagined going there someday. It seemed like the biggest dream I could make up (Well, I also really wanted to visit Grecian and Roman ruins--for some reason I thought they were closer to Stonehenge). Now I've seen so many pictures of people I know in front of it that it's kind of lost all of its mystique.
My mom served her mission in England. Whenever she would get frustrated, she'd sing this song about how she was going back to England. It annoyed me beyond compare, but I knew she'd never go back. We'd been planning a trip to Disneyland for ten years (a place that almost received Hawaii's status on the possibility poll), there was no way she'd ever be able to go back. Besides that, we didn't fly in airplanes until I was 17, and England was much too far for a road trip. Europe was unobtainable.
Europe still is unobtainable. (Even after all of that talking with study abroad)
I tried to go to EFY--that was also too expensive--unobtainable. (But we did have some rockin' youth conferences)
Graduating? Will it ever happen? I think I'm going to have to settle for a BGS. English Major--not any time soon. (although I did have some good times at BYU)
Knowing what it's like to have time to plan a wedding? With my fiance? (Well, I hope that doesn't happen again, but it would have been nice)
Singing in the Mo Tab (or at least general conference)? Everyone else has already done it.
I won't go on--I'm sure we all get the idea. I'm just terribly jealous. It seems like I don't have that special unobtainable dream anymore. Too many people have already lived those dreams out for me! (or I'm too old, or it's already happened, or didn't go as planned. . . ) And really, who's going to go to Asia or something with 3 (or more?) kids in tow?
I guess I can cheer up knowing that I am the only person who gets to be Robert's wife; Nana's, Eenie's, and Laurelyn's mom. They are all kind of nice.
Well, all of this complaining is giving me a headache. Goodnight.
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3 comments:
Ali Mae,
I want to come give you a big hug right now. Remember that you have three adorable, wonderful children. I don't even have one. Remember that you have a house with all sorts of exciting projects to do. I don't even live with my husband right now. There are all sorts of things in your life that I deeply desire for my own, but I don't have those opportunities yet.
Also, your husband is going to be a doctor. Yes, things will be hard for the next several years. But you should eventually be very comfortable. I've always seen you as a wise woman, so I am sure that you will be financially responsible and not try to "keep up with the Jones'". Therefore, you can choose to have whatever priorities you wish. You can take 3+ kids to Asia if that is what matters to you. You can also take trips without the kids. My brother doesn't make much money, but he and his wife left their 5 kids with family and went on a Carribean cruise for their 7th anniversary.
Don't let anyone else spoil your dreams. Just because you aren't first does NOT mean the experience won't be special.
I hope you have a nice day, and I wish I was there to give you a hug.
You are way to hard on your self and so many people wish they had the things you do.
I know its hard to believe but we all have days when we wish we had any thing but what we have.
Your are an amazing person and someone I look up to!
Maybe you're just realizing how it feels to grow up. I think I've hit the stage where all the things I dreamed about as a kid are not as exciting anymore. Not only that, but doing those things as an adult adds a whole new level of responsibility (mainly financial responsibility).
Vacations are fun, sure, but I don't need them to be happy. I'm realizing the things that matter most in life are not material things by any means, and I think it's important to realize as you pointed out that you have three kids and a loving husband. That right there is all you need to be happy.
Sometimes it is a bummer to grow up though. I'm not even a mom yet, but I feel the strain of responsibility pulling at me just thinking about having kids. Maybe you should focus on living through your kids' dreams instead since it's harder to keep your own childhood dreams alive. Those are just my thoughts...
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