Mother's Day is a horrible day, sometimes, you know--not just for the childless.
Tonight I'm really having a hard time because I have given up so much to be a mother. I never really deserved the things I gave up, but I'm sorry for them nonetheless. And the kicker? I'm not even very good at it--being a mother, I mean. You'd think the more you gave up, the better you'd be. . . oh well.
I also have this horrible feeling of resentment. I want some sort of special recognition for all of the work that I do day in and day out, for how difficult it is to accomplish my personal goals--if possible at all. It seems perfectly reasonable to have a holiday to celebrate mothers, doesn't it? Isn't it supposed to be the hardest job in the world? Even secretaries have a day to celebrate them. I don't want this holiday to be about the sorrows of not being able to have children, as it often is. In fact, I'm dreading it.
I found out tonight that in all likelihood, I will not be able to graduate with a normal degree. All of my life I'm going to have to explain what a BGS is, unless I just lie and say I majored in English. It shouldn't be a big deal, but it really is to me. Seriously, I've been in tears over this almost since I found out. Before I had children, I was on my way to graduating with honors, and taking a study abroad to an exotic location. Instead, I have to watch others do these things, over and over again (even that wouldn't be so bad, except that sometimes it also comes at my expense), while I'm at home--failing--on so many different levels--and the failures just keep multiplying. The only success I feel I can really lay claim to is the fact that I can have children. I can have children really well.
And on Mother's Day, I won't be special. I won't be recognized any better than the next woman, even the next young woman, because we all have the same divine potential, whether or not we have made the same sacrifices. I'm not saying that I don't want others to be recognized. Maybe I'm not sure what I'm saying. I just want the people that aren't able to fulfill their life-long dreams to know that they aren't the only ones with unfinished dreams. . . and I wanted to say how I felt. Maybe I should become a secretary.
7 comments:
Ali, This did not make me laugh! although it did make me think which is also good. I know the feeling of giving up on your dreams but, just remember that those little kids are also one of your dreams and they
should mean the world to you ( which I know they do) but sometimes its hard to remember why you started that amazing journey before you finished the first.
Your a great mom and I look up to you more then you know!
awwww Ali... this made me so sad!!! I say just tell people you have an English degree unless you're putting it on a resume. You pretty much did the work for an English major anyway, right?
I can't say I know how you feel, but seriously women work really hard to keep kids and home going. If no one else will give you a pat on the back - I WILL DARN IT!! You're doing awesome. I'm in awe that you already have four kids. Way to go!
All I can say is the only thing that helps me when I'm feeling unappreciated is to do the things I totally don't feel like doing... keep being a serving, loving wife and mother and hope they will return the favor... and also pray. I often don't feel like praying when I'm in bad moods, but it totally helps.
And finally, I'm willing to bet you're a terrific mother. Give yourself more credit. Your kids are blessed to have you.
*I meant to say, I can't say I know exactly how you feel - because no one knows except God and Christ.
I do, however, know how it feels to be discouraged.
just wanted to clarify :)
Oh, Ali Mae! I recently had a conversation with someone who said something like, when my kids get older I am going to teach them to not start their families/have kids until after they have finished their education. I was a little torn with their statement and although I didn't state it, I'm going to have to disagree with it! Sure, it has been harder having kids while my husband was in school, but I remember life before we had kids where I worked full-time with other grouchy individuals...raising my children has been much more satisfying in the end(lots of frustrations in the middle!) than my job no matter how awesome I did there. And sometimes I have to remind myself about that!
You have always been one impressive lady in my eyes. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have done a lot and are doing a lot and you are AMAZING!!!
As for your degree, do you have enough credits to get a minor in English and then the degree (BGS or other)? Then at least you wouldn't feel like you are lying when you say "I have a degree in English"...just a thought.
Agreed, Michelle. I also heard something similar. The mom was saying the order of things--school, temple marriage, babies. . . like that was the ONLY way to go, and everything else was a mistake as big as having a baby before marriage. My in-laws have a little of this vibe, too (not as completely, though). Robert and I had a really hard time when we were dating, because he wanted to travel, be an EFY counselor, and a bunch of other things you can only do when you're single. (I think his family wanted those things for him as well.) He did finally see that marrying me was the BEST thing he could do, and gave up (most of) the others. And he regrets doing the things he put before our marriage that were hard on our relationship. I'm sure I would regret putting anything above my kids as well. (and I DO regret this at least weekly)
So, I also disagreed. I don't think having kids when I did was the mistake. I love my kids. I want to have more kids. I would give up MUCH more than I did for them. I just am SO frustrated that some people don't realize how much hard work it is. The feeling I get from some people is,"oh, you have a husband, four kids, and a house. . . well, you've got it made. I wish my life were as complete as yours." Then they go on to tell me what they're doing--and it's usually things that were a big deal to me that I gave up. And my life is NOT complete. (That doesn't mean I don't sympathize. I often feel a lot of pain for their unfulfilled hopes. Just some trials are blessings, and some trials are blessings withheld from you. And there is ALWAYS a mixture of both in a person's life.)
There was a panel discussion with some of the leaders of the church a few years back, (I think it was a leadership training that they asked all of the members to attend, not just leaders). And the RS pres, Julie B. Beck, said something to the effect of--"I had a bunch of kids and a lady with less kids approached me and told me she would have more kids if it were as easy for her as it was for me--and it made me feel horrible because it wasn't easier for me to have kids--it was HARD." That's kind of the feelings I was having. And on Mother's Day, the whole "Your life is better than mine because you have kids, so I'm going to be offended by this holiday-attitude" drives me nuts. The same attitude for Valentine's Day makes me a little batty. Everyone has a reason to celebrate those two holidays (and not just because of a divine potential), whether or not they're the relationships they would prefer celebrating.
Yeah, I know I have a long way to go before perfection. . . and I'm sure that I could grow a little more compassion. But this is how I feel.
it bothers me when people stop you from celebrating something because they want you to pity them instead. So it bothers me when people are really pouty about not having kids yet.
However, I can still remember their side of the story. When I wanted kids and couldn't have them.. it was really hard. Because at that point you only think and know about all the good stuff kids bring. They pretty much don't ever really understand how hard motherhood is until they've been there themselves.
And I'm a proponent of everyone doing their own thing when it comes to the order of school, marriage, kids.. everyone has their own path in life, and they don't always have a choice either. I personally did marriage, school, kids.. but I really felt like I was doing the right thing between me and Lord, so I don't feel like I have to justify it to anyone else. But I also don't judge anyone else for doing it differently from me. In fact, I TOTALLY admire anyone who felt they needed to have kids before finishing school. My husband is still doing school, but for me to not finish my degree before having kids would've been really rough.
Right. I was just surprized that a mom had it planned out for her kids already. I think that's one of those things that you can't plan out the order of until you're there. . . and even then, maybe not.
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