Bummed. . .

Graduate school is hard. . . it should come with a *NOTICE* label or something. (One for the spouse, that is. . . ) I am in trouble. I need to finish an Independent study class by March--plan a last minute birthday party for Eenie for next week (Is it really that close? I have no idea who to invite; we've always just had family to our kids' parties)--deal with a bunch of rebate forms--I should use up my CVS ECB's, but I don't want to go out--figure out what is going on with Valentine's Day activities--there's no food in our house beyond ingredients that require imaginitive cooking (meaning I can't just eat cereal all day, because we have no milk). . .

I've also decided that when I go to help people I usually just come off as annoying. I remember once I was nursing Eenie (or was it Nana?) on the bathroom couch in BYU's HBLL and I noticed that there was a pair of feet under one of the stalls that never moved. I also heard sniffling. (I had been in the bathroom for over an hour--my kids take a really long time to nurse--especially when I'm using their little bodies as my writing desk.) I wanted to say something, but I left. I felt bad that I didn't say anything, so I went back about half an hour later--yup, still there. I tried to wait until the lady in the next stall left, but I was running late. So. . . I just spoke out and told the person that I had been on the couch for some time earlier and had noticed they had not moved, and wanted to know if they were okay. I am pretty much an idiot. Can you imagine what the person in the next stall must have thought? I hope she didn't think I was talking to her. . . 'Ma'am, I've noticed that you're taking a really long time, and I wanted to know if you were okay.' Of course, I never got an answer from either of them. For all I know, the lady that was in there for almost 2 hours (or more?) was just reading a really good book, and because of her cold (thus the sniffling) wanted to be near some tissues. It's one of the things I've done that haunts me every once in awhile--although I still can hope that I made someone feel a little more loved than they did before (if there was any room for any other emotion after all of the awkwardness).

Now my point--I KEEP DOING THIS! Someone will totally act like they need help (like with the sniffling), and I'll do my best to do something for them--sometimes it's hard, and sometimes I have fun doing it, but it pretty much always ends up getting me down (at least lately--and I've screwed up SO MUCH like this in the past week or so). I feel so awkward and awful and depressed that I do such silly things--ESPECIALLY when I was having fun doing them. It happens too often! I guess I'll keep "helping" people, but now you've been warned--you may feel really awkward when I do. . .